My desire, compulsion, need, or whatever you call it, to start a blog is based in a long list of reasons that even the most experienced psychoanalyst would find interesting, but in the interest of time here are a few of the main ones:
- Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - I have never been officially diagnosed with this condition, but I do know it operates on a spectrum and I'm fairly certain that I lie somewhere on the minor end of the line. I in know way mean to discount or make fun of those who suffer from the disorder and have their lives altered due to its effects. I do have certain compulsions. I love lists and goal charts and the idea of having a finite end point to something. In the interest of full disclosure I should note that I RARELY finish a list, or reach any of the ridiculous goals I set for myself, but I still find comfort in the fact that they're in the background. Often my love of lists and my total inability to ever check of all the items leaves me feeling worthless and incapable of anything of substance, but those are entirely different issues.
- Addiction to Accumulation - So I'm not one of those hoarders you see on A&E who have fossilized dead cats living under their stuff, but I do enjoy collecting. Just like the idea of a completed list brings me immeasurable joy, the idea of a full collection is pure ecstasy. I can remember seeing the Disney version of Beauty and the Beast when I was seven and deciding that my life would not be complete until I had a library of my own that I could roll around in on a ladder with wheels. I'm certain that this is not what the majority of children dreamed of when they saw the movie, but what can I say, I was/am weird like that.
- Post-Graduation Let Down - I spent years hiding out in school. Seven years to be exact. This may not seem like a ton to some, but it is when you don't have the benefit of a college fund, and despite several full-time jobs throughout, the majority of your education is funded through student loans. I spent four years of undergrad with no idea what I wanted to do, but loving every second of every class. As that neared its inevitable end I woke up one morning and decided to go to law school. My entrance essay would make you think I had this unyielding desire to advocate for justice and blah blah blah. Really I was just excited about the really big books we got to read and the look of respect I would get from everyone I found a way to tell I was a law student. I now have a JD and a license to practice in several states, but am lacking in satisfaction. It is completely fair to say I'm a successful attorney, and I take my job very seriously, but the real world is totally lacking in discussions of meaning, virtue, purpose, or anything else of real substance. I miss digging deep. I miss feeling confused. I miss the feeling of coming up out of the hole with a better understanding of my world.